This is an open letter to Michael Jai White.
Dear Mr. “Muscle bound man, put his face in the sand” AKA Michael Jai White,
You’re the closest man (aside from Taimak who is in a category all of his own) to Bruce Lee I’ll ever be able to touch/or not [I know you’re married]. But what would have motivated you to participate in such an atrocity against the Kung-Fu world as that of the “Your Love” music video by Nicki Minaj (which BTW is a sample of Annie Lennox’s “No More I Love Yous.”)? Was it the fake booty and breasts? Pish-posh, all of that is overrated anyway!
You know how much I love my Samurai Sunday-those aerial jumps and 90 degree kicks, revenge and honor plot lines, Fists of Fury and of course the Shaw Brothers. It was to my dismay that I found you in a video with the pop tart princess, sista of the weird faces and strange voices, Nicki Minaj. You intelligent, witty, glistened, muscular man coming off the highly successful (gravely slept on) film Black Dynamite. HOW could you sit back and allow this to happen? How did that conversation go? Did you just show up? They just didn’t use you to your full potential. And that made me mad. As mad as Black Dynamite was when flip-mouthed Euphoria steps out of pocket. “Euphoria, shut the fuck up! I know that was you! I ain’t even gotta look! I should send you to Crenshaw Pete with his hot-ass coat hangers, bitch. Would you like that?”
Let us pray! Oh Samurai God…please deliver Michael Jai-fine as ever-White from the dubious and dismal attacks against our Kung-Fu culture through the self-proclaimed plasticity Barbie that is Nicki Minaj. Mr. White, can I be your agent?
The Tofu Chitlin’ Circuit