There are times when I feel like there’s too much going on for me to keep up. Between my over-flowing Google reader with hundreds of posts I’ve yet to read to the instant intellectual quips on Twitter that I need a dictionary to define. How does one stay motivated to do what they need to do?
Seems like everyone around me is either producing, directing, acting in something! Where did the time go? Seems like I’ve been trying to play catch-up for the past 9 months now. What happened to my vitality? Something zapped my pride and tenacity. And then I figured it out.
I gave way too much for a play that didn’t garner the results I was looking for. I was left to shelter the burden alone. Yes, there were people in my corner that did what they could; but when it was all said and done…it’s was just me. I did feel like a failure. I’ve never set out to do something that I don’t finish, so you can imagine how disappointed I was when the project didn’t happen.
I felt like my womanhood was in question too. Mainly because I was being questioned on my vision as if I didn’t know what I was doing. It’s hard to bounce back when people think that the decisions you make are not valid; equating them based on your gender.
But I learned something about myself. I have to be a shrewd business woman and a thoughtful yet steadfast director. I have to trust my instinct. It took time to have this epiphany. I’m the more stronger for it. I wondered if the same trials that I experienced are universal? Does my gender play a role in how I make decisions about directing?
And as I sat reflecting, I did some research on female directors and their “struggles” and I came across this Time Out Chicago article by Kris Vire. It’s a long but good read and restored my faith in what I’m predestined to do (I checked out the meaning of my name and you’d be surprised what I found.).